1. When you wake up, you make a disapproving noise (like grumbling or a "Fuck my life") out loud. Because another day is starting, and you will go to work, and stuff will happen, and eventually you will die.
2. Your boss has to force you to use your days off because you've forgotten that you even have a life. Those days off are such precious cargo that you basically feel like you need to save them for the Apocalypse.
3. And then you lose your days off if you are at one of those corporate places that doesn't allow you to roll over vacation days. And then literally people will hear you scream from space.
4. You're way too into planning what you're going to have for lunch. Like, serious strategy and organization of a group Seamless order or spearheading a movement to Actually Leave the Building. Toooooo into it, dude. Like "Trojan invasion of Rome" into it.
5. Leaving your office building to get lunch feels like a luxurious trip to Jamaica. This tropical breeze on Ninth Avenue makes me feel alive again! I should stop and get a postcard for my loved ones somewhere! Why, yes, I would like to purchase this $15 salad made of three pieces of wilted spinach and dreams deferred, thank you!
6. You're cranky with your coworkers even though you love them. Emily is so cool and nice, and it's driving you nuts. Seriously. Bat-shit insane.
7. You want to murder your coworkers if you didn't like them that much to begin with. It's gonna be like the Red Wedding up in here.
8. You troll Tinder in search of a man to marry in order to get three weeks off for a honeymoon without any side-eye from your coworkers. "Can't wait to be Mrs. I-forget-his-name-bowl-cut-wants-to-run-an-Internet-startup! Well, off to Bora-Bora! Keep it real, you guys."
9. Your desktop is a photo of the Caribbean, a cabin deep in the woods, or a picture of yourself happy with a tan because you did go on that one vacation! Years ago! Before Lincoln was shot! Remember?
10. A three-day weekend that you forgot about makes you believe in God and America again. Monday … we have … off? I suddenly have the urge to stand up in a quiet and crowded place and start singing "America The Beautiful."
11. You think that treating yourself to a carbo-loaded lunch will make up for the fact that you have not taken a vacation since 2006, but actually it just makes you feel like a balloon filled with grease. Comfort food is only occasionally actually comforting.
12. Even GChatting during work is boring. Even when your friend GChats you about sleeping with a mutual guy friend and goes into details. Even that's boring.
13. You spit vitriol at the innocent Facebook statuses of people on vacations. "Oh, CAPE MAY, real ORIGINAL, JESSICA, I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE THE CARRIE OF YOUR FRIEND GROUP TOO BUT NO, YOU ARE NOT THE CARRIE."
14. You start getting concerned that if you lie on the beach you will not ever get up. Because a little crab will sidle up to your head and whisper in your ear, "Stay with us forever and become the Sea-Duchess of Relaxation."
15. Bullshit time-wasting aimless plans like backpacking through Europe for a year or teaching English in China for a year start sounding pretty damn great. You used to judge those people for needing manufactured life experiences in order to become more interesting. Now you envy them.
16. You attempt to make your weekends as much like a vacation as possible. Hang a do-not-disturb sign on your bedroom door. Sit in the sun a lot with shades on. Be day-drunk.
17. On Sundays, you feel like you are headed to the gallows. You can barely enjoy Saturday because you know what's coming.
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