1. You’re out of clean sports bras. And gym shorts. And tank tops. And socks. The colossal effort it will take to move your mounds of laundry from the floor to the washing machine would put a CrossFitter to shame. No gym for you!
2. You run into your ex at the gym. He doesn’t have to know that you were on your way into the gym when you crossed paths. Ever since he trampled your soul, stomped out your faith in the male race, and effectively ruined your life, you actually stopped perspiring, and now you always look this good after a run and a steamy session with your sexy personal trainer who’s right over there. See him? So yeah, you were just heading out. BYE.
3. You’re super tired. Real life studies have shown that utter exhaustion actually forces you to eat more (CARBS!) and basically brings your metabolism to a screeching halt. So even if you could physically get out of bed and somehow break a sweat with your eyes closed, you’d totally undo all that work later on. Everyone knows you can’t argue with science, so just go back to sleep.
4. Your boss just bawled you out for the world’s stupidest reason. Now you’re pissed AF — literally seething. Yeah, you could shake it off by dragging your sorry butt to spin class, but research suggests people who overexert themselves while they’re angry are face a heightened risk of heart attack(!). Because that’s a fate that’s W-A-Y worse than missing one measly workout, going directly home to binge watch Netflix on your couch is pretty much a doctor’s order.
5. Holy. Hangover. Science also says that if you can’t see straight, no one can see you, and therefore no one will notice you missing from your favorite treadmill.
6. You have the world’s worst cramps. Of course you exhausted this excuse in middle school when it was cool to have your period (or not have it and pretend you do to get out of P.E.). But now you’re pretty sure there are 4,000 teeny, tiny daggers poking you in the ovaries, and you’re genuinely scared that moving will make your egg nests fall out.
7. You’re running super late. There’s just one thing worse than listening to a yoga teacher drone on about the energy in your eyelids when all you really want to do is curl up in fetal position and call it child’s pose: interrupting the class after it starts, then facing angry yogis after messing with their zen. #NotWorthIt.
8. There’s a man in your bed. Hey, no one said you have to hit the gym to get a workout. Morning sex or crunches? Crunches or morning sex? Boy, life is full of tough decisions.
9. You’re still buzzed from drunch. We salute you! While you debate the pros and cons of working out (nice!), every other druncher on the planet is napping and/or awkwardly sexting some stranger on Tinder. That said, there’s a reason gyms don’t serve booze. Besides, you know you’re kinda still in a food coma.
10. You had a liiiittle too much coffee. Now that you’re a walking shake weight, an actual workout would be a bit superfluous, don’t you think?
11. You forgot your headphones. Sure you could work out without them, but then you’d have to listen to the blabbering girl on the treadmill next to you. Who can comfortably talk on the phone while running, anyway?!
12. You’re super sore from yesterday’s masochistic barre class. Sure, experts say working through the pain can boost recovery and such. But guess what? Your abs feel like they’ve been clawed apart and stapled back together, and just getting off the toilet took you three rocking false starts. So frankly, you’d rather just sit on your couch and practice breathing without crying. OK?
13. You have, like, so much work to do. You know those walking meetings that everybody talks about? LOL. Unless your to-do list contains a conference call with your mom and your cat, you should probably buckle down and reschedule that gym session for tomorrow.
14. Your new, beautiful shoes. Those new high heels look amazing, but they don’t feel so amazing on your feet. Even if your new blister is on your teeniest toe, everybody knows that on a pain scale of paper cuts to war wounds, blisters are off the charts. Working out will make it worse — just don’t.
15. You danced so much last night that you’re actually pretty sore.
16. You had a green juice and egg whites for breakfast, a kale salad for lunch, and you made it through the afternoon without tapping your chocolate stash. #WINNING! If you also work out today, it’d be like bragging.
17. You walked aaaall the way to the gym! Now turn around, and go home because all that counts as exercise. Aaand you’re done.
18. Rain. Is there anything more miserable than rain-soaked sneakers? Bye, run.
19. You signed up for an exorbitantly expensive fitness class tomorrow. You won’t get your money’s worth if you get all sore today!
20. You missed last week’s Bachelorette, and your roommate will ruin the rose ceremony if you don’t watch it ASAP. If only your gym had a DVR/thank god they don’t have a DVR.
21. You just don’t feel like working out. Life is short. Want to get drinks tonight?
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Elizabeth Narins is a Brooklyn, NY-based writer and a former senior editor at Cosmopolitan.com, where she wrote about fitness, health, and more. Follow her at @ejnarins.
