1. Red battery. You might as well cancel all your plans and go home. What's the point.
2. Checking your phone and realizing it hasn't even been a full minute since you last checked your phone. There's no way you're making it another five minutes without virtual contact. You'd settle for a Snapchat from your parents at this point.
3. When an app updates its icon and you can't find it anywhere. This is bullshit. App companies everywhere: pick an icon and stick to it.
4. Trying to find someone with the same charger as you. Do you have an old iPhone? Oh you have a Blackberry. An iPhone 5? No. Why are you guys my friends?
5. Sending a text with one percent battery. This anxiety will take years off your life.
6. Accidentally uploading pictures. You scramble to undo the damage, but not before it already accrues three likes and an "lol."
7. When autocorrect changes "gave" to "have." Every time! Why??
8. Accidental FaceTiming. You're reading Twitter first thing in the morning when you suddenly find yourself virtual face to virtual face with your ex, looking like you stepped out of a National Geographic sketch of what Neanderthals looks like.
9. Shelling out for a fancy phone, then having to use a case anyway. This is why you can't have nice things.
10. Not having 4G. "What the fuck is happening? Why is this page taking 30 seconds to load?" you scream, as you pace back and forth, desperately trying to hit a pocket with stable signal like your phone was some kind of digital diving rod. "This website said these were the 20 cutest kittens of all time! Number five is apparently so cute it will literally make me want to claw my eyes out! I don't have time to wait!" Then suddenly, you see the dreaded no signal icon appear on your screen, and marked for death, you slump to the floor and pray for you end to be quick and painless. Cradling your phone, you weep silently and violently.
11. Not having an emoji to properly express your situation. You're going to a house party out of obligation but you're only going to stay an hour and also you're kind of hangry. How do you contextualize these emotions?!
12. When you can't upgrade your phone. "DAD WHY AM I STILL ON THE FAMILY PLAN IF I CAN'T EVEN STEAL YOUR UPGRADE! I NEED THE NEW IPHONE! NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO GET IT! STICK WITH YOUR CLAMSHELL!"
13. When you take your phone out of your case for a minute, and that's the only time you've ever dropped it. You cradle our phone like a baby everywhere you go, but the one time you need to pop it out of the case is the one time you send it hurtling to the floor like an asteroid within seconds of it being naked and exposed.
14. Sexting the wrong person. Why do Hot Fourth of July Party Josh and Sweaty Marketing Josh share a name, for the love of God.
15. Unwanted group text situations. You all figured out where to meet before the concert four hours ago, but you're still getting inside jokes from mysterious phone numbers every 30 seconds. UNSUBSCRIBE.
16. When it won't send as iMessage. You need those "read receipts" to live.
17. Text message dyslexia. Super long texts get split up in weird orders, or your response gets sent in the middle of your friend's three-part reply and suddenly makes no sense. It's times like these you wish there was a device that would allow you to have a real-time conversation where you could hear the person's voice.
18. Voicemail. Are you kidding me? First off, you called like you're Thomas Alva Edison, and then you thought it was a great idea to leave me a voicemail? Consider those words you spoke lost forever.
19. Doing whatever it takes for an outlet. Just charging my phone in this public train station bathroom while a one woman poops with the door open and another takes a bath in the sink. Don't mind me!
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