I have never read the Fifty Shades of Grey books, save for a single paragraph in a bookstore. And this only happened because I had to share it aloud with a friend so we could laugh about it. I know three things about this book: It was originally Twilight fan fiction, it's mostly about sex, and at one point a butt plug gets used on the main character. With those as my plot outline, here's what I think happens in the story:
1. The main character is probably a librarian. If not a librarian, then definitely another job that's stereotypically filed away as vanilla and boring. I'm not expecting this novel to feature anything less than overt symbolism and limited character development, so this is probably a safe bet.
2. Christian Grey (I'm pretty sure that's his name) either buys her library or something because he's super rich, or they manage to bump into each other because she gets invited to some fancy soiree by a coworker or friend who likes her but whose feelings she doesn't reciprocate. This is how they meet. I don't know exactly what transpires, but the librarian definitely makes some kind of comment like, "Oh, why would you possibly have any interest in me? I'm so plain and unassuming."
3. Christian Grey undresses her with his eyes. His eyes are also probably described as hungry. One of them bites their lip. Maybe they both bite their lips in unison.
4.They go back to his place, and this is where the butt plug comes in. They have sex that's just kinky enough to be considered wild by everyone in your Aunt Gilda's book club, so it really can't be that crazy unless you've never seen the word "penis" in print before. There's lots of uncomfortably flowery text for genitals like, "mound" and "manhood."
5. He doesn't call her for a few days. She can't stop thinking about him, because he was the first man to ever spank her, I guess? Maybe there are a few fantasy or dream sequences. The main character is pretty much in a perpetual state of arousal the rest of the book.
6. He finally calls her, and she gets all flustered at work. She describes his voice as "sensual" and talks about how just hearing it turns her on. She decides to meet up with him immediately and they have more sex but this time he handcuffs her to the bed and she's like, There is this whole world of pleasure that he's opening me up to. I never thought to do this before.
7. Oh, wait. I'm pretty sure I know that she blows him in a bathtub. That has to be uncomfortable, like getting water-boarded with a penis in your mouth.
8. He's basically a sociopath, but a hot sociopath with no negative qualities (aside from being a sociopath). The librarian is super into the way he takes control and also the fact that he's super rich and owns a really posh sex dungeon. If most guys had a sex dungeon, it'd just be a creepy corner of their basement with some whips and cuffs, but since this guy is super rich he can get away with it without looking like a serial killer.
9. He buys her a monogrammed helicopter. He probably does some grand, sweeping expensive gesture, but she's like, "Dude, I'm not into money. I'm into forging deep connections between two individuals." And he's like, "Teach me how to love."
10. He reveals some deep dark secret to her. He's really handsome and rich, but he's also secretly really sad, and in a moment of vulnerability, opens up to her about how his parents yelled at him one time or whatever.
11. She gives him the emotional stability he never knew he wanted until he met her. She's able to make him feel safe and stable and fulfill him sexually and he's all, "NO WOMAN I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN EMOTIONALLY COMPETENT AND SLIGHTLY KINKY." They're just super into each other.
12. They get into a fight because he feels too vulnerable and emotionally exposed. He breaks up with her because he hates feeling so emotionally attached because it's a feeling he's not used to. He basically stops seeing her because he loves her too much. (Ed. note: #Men.)
13. He realizes he's into being in love just as much as having kinky sex. She probably says something really lame at the end like, "You know what's really kinky? Loving each other."
14. They get married? I really don't know what happens here. She wears a leather wedding dress and all the guests are like, "Damn. Remember how she used to be a quiet librarian? She's changed so much since the beginning of the book when we first knew her." How do you end a book that's just about two characters having sex? Either they get married or drift apart or one of them dies, but since there's two other books, the last two are probably out. Maybe the book ends with him inviting her to quit her job and travel around the world with him, and that's what the second book is about. And then the third book is about all the vampires and werewolves fighting. How do you turn this into three books?
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