Everyone loves Santa. His twinkling eyes, his jolly laugh, the sexy boner growing under his velvety pants. *Record scratch*. Yes, Santa boner. It's a thing. Here, take my hand and let's explore the treacherous icy backwaters that is the world of holiday erotica e-books that you can read in secret.

1. Snowballin': I Fucked Frosty

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

As the title states, this is indeed about having sex with Frosty the Snowman. "When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duties, sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman," the ad copy reads. So — naturally! — the unsatisfied heroine turns to Frosty. Dear god, no! His freezing hands! His icy cold wang! The carrot nose. (Well, that might be OK.) On the possible plus side, Frosty apparently has 10 inches to work with.

2. Mrs. Claus Gets Elfed

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Mrs. C. gets tipsy on spiced punch at an elf party so — as any one of us would do — she ends up having sex with a whole bunch of elves. In other plot points, Elf Steve has a "tighter ass than the others." Which is good. Perhaps this Amazon reviewer put it best: "If you are looking for a Christmas fantasy with sizzling hot page after page of gangbang elf sex, this is an excellent choice." Yep.

3. Slammed by Santa

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Plotline: Santa shows a foxy brunette his "North pole" and (*gagging a little*) his "jingling balls." There's also mention of Santa's "ballsac," a word which I would argue should never appear in any erotica, though especially not in reference to Santa's equipment. Also I think that it should be spelled "ball sack," but that's the least of our worries here. (Slammed by Santa fun fact: Santa has an "enormous tool." According to him.)

4. XXXMas Sex Stories: Erotic Christmas Tales

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

A short story collection for those who find pretty much everything about Christmas to be arousing. Carriage rides? Check. Santa? Check. A group of elves who keep Santa jolly via the healing powers of group sex? Oh yes. But perhaps the hardest to, ahem, swallow is Ebenezer Scrooge as sexytime romantic lead. "He knew now that he wasn't imagining this gossamer form. There was a ghostly woman who was now lightly tickling the head of his naughty dick." *Runs screaming into the woods*.

5. Breeding Mrs. Claus

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Breeding Mrs. Claus is "reindeer shifter breeding erotica." Translated, this means Mrs. Claus is going to be gettin' down with (and pregnant by) Rudy, a strapping young reindeerish/man thing. To Rudy's credit, he's in good shape, with an ass "one could bounce any amount of quarters off of." (Hard to imagine need for so much quarter bouncing.) Also, unlike Prancer, he has a somewhat decent name.

6. Santa's Sorority House Gangbang 2: Pledge Week

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Santa arrives on the rooftop during pledge week, and sorority president Tiffani (who, for the record, has "massive tits") enlists him to help turn the sorry pledge class around. You can probably guess what this entails. "NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN OR MINORS!" reads a warning, as though the title "Santa's Sorority House Gangbang" didn't make that abundantly clear.

7. Santa's Coming Tonight

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Oh no, I sense yet another tiresome holiday pun "coming"... wait, here it is now: "Emma promises her son that Santa will come — little does she know just how much. She spends a fun filled Christmas Eve with the jolly man in the red suit, as he pleasures her (and himself) time after time... She'll never doubt he was real after this!" This is chock-full of all kinds of holiday ick.

8. His Candy Cane

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Andrea is a plus-size woman who gets off on public candy cane fellatio. "I'll slowly slide my lips further and further down the candy cane, taking it in deeper until I can feel it just brushing the back of my throat. Then I'll lift my mouth off it with even more agonizing slowness, until the tip is in my mouth." This catches the attention of her "tightly muscled" coworker Michael. And lucky for Andrea, Michael "has an even better use for that candy!" (Maybe it's whipping out the glue gun and making some festive holiday crafts?)

9. Santa Claus Lays the Virgin

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Clara's Christmas wish is to have Santa take her virginity. He obliges, partially because Santa is a giving man but also because he and Mrs. Claus are in a dry spell. There is a strange morality throughout the Santa erotica worldview — both the Clauses cheat plenty in these books but it's generally explained that it's due to a dry spell or Santa's inattentiveness to his wife's needs. Other superfluous Santa erotica explanation: "This is a work of fiction."

10. Santa Baby

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

"I have been a bad girl this year," says our heroine, who, of course, is named Candy. "'I probably just deserve … the switch.' And she bit her lip as provokingly as she could. 'Aaaaaarrrgh!' Santa roared, at last completely overcome. 'You sly little vixen! You've pushed me to my limit! If it's the switch you want, it's the switch you'll get!'" Best Santa BDSM snippet: "His belly jiggled with restrained passion."

11. Bred by Santa

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Sarah's Christmas wish, one-upping Clara, is for Santa to impregnate her. Lucky for her, Santa seems quite amenable to the idea. When Sarah lets her silky wrap shimmer to the floor: "His stiffness threatened to tear right through the front of his red velvet trousers." Not sure about any of that particular sequences of sentences except that the word "threatened" is extremely well-chosen here.

12. Milk and Cookies for Santa

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

There's a lot of product crowding the sexy Santa market and at some point books need to go beyond the raw sexiness of Santa getting a boner under his velvet pants. Milk and Cookies goes with the "lactation erotica" angle. Lactation erotica is for those who, perhaps, have not actually experienced the deeply non-erotic nature of sore, over-filled boobs leaking tell-tale spots of milk on your shirt right in the middle of the damn IKEA.

13. Shaved by Santa

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

Um, two pregnant women on the cover, the list of contents: "extreme taboo, shaving, dairy" ... yeah, not even gonna look at this one.

14. Santa's Coming

this image is not availablepinterest
Media Platforms Design Team

In this same-sex version of holiday erotica, a sexy candy cane is sucked suggestively by mall elf Dale, whose "tightly fitting elf shorts leave nothing to the imagination." Meanwhile the mall Santa, Grant, can't keep his eyes off this "disturbingly fuckable elf" who is taunting him with his candy cane sucking. Maybe it was the sheer volume of teasing mouths and hardening penises, but by the time I got to around to this book, I actually was getting a bit turned on. This was not something I wanted to know about myself. Let's all just be thankful that disturbingly sexy mall Santas do not actually exist.

Follow Jill on Twitter.

Headshot of Jill Hamilton
Jill Hamilton

 Jill Hamilton is a contributor for Cosmopolitan.com and writes the blog In Bed With Married Women.