We're all guilty of conversational boilerplate — words and phrases that we say almost without thinking, because it's Just What You Say in a given situation. And naturally, there's a set of preloaded comments one makes to a pregnant lady, because pregnancy is one of those Life Situations.

But you know what? Maybe don't say any of these things, because chances are very, very good that the lady in question has heard all of them about a million times already, maybe even just that day, and she's getting good and tired of it. Also, she is pregnant and thus not responsible for her actions, or for bursting into tears.

So … what should you say instead? You may replace any of the below statements with the following: "Would you like a seat on this crowded subway?" "I would like for you to have this brownie and also this gift certificate for a prenatal massage," or, "Lean back and watch Netflix while I perform oral sex on you without even acting like it's some kind of goddamn favor I'm doing." (Well, maybe you shouldn't say the last one if you're a total stranger, coworker, or friendly acquaintance.)

Here, though, are 10 things women are pretty much guaranteed to hear during their pregnancies.

1. "Oh my god, your life is going to change so much." Hearing this would trigger two impulses in me, both adolescent. The first was to roll my eyes and say, "No shit, Captain Obvious." The second was to cheerily respond, "Nope, not mine — I'm handing the baby off to my husband the second it's born so I can get back to doing blow in the back seat of my sister's Chevette." The only correct response is to caress your bump and murmur, "Yes, yes, I'm sure it will," while mentally flipping this person the double bird.

2. "You have to watch The Business of Being Born." No, I fucking do not. I live in a rental and have middling heath insurance; I am going to the hospital and I'm going to be a good little soldier and if I want the drugs I am going to TAKE THE DRUGS*. And don't tell me what to do! Wait, was that the hormones talking? Probably.

3. "Coffee's not good for the baby." This was said to me by a 6-year-old. A 6-YEAR-OLD! My mouth said, before I could stop it: "And talking to strangers isn't good for kids." So much for that coffee shop.

4. "Your father and I think..."  NOPE.

5. "An extra 300 calories a day is a handful of almonds, or apple slices with a tablespoon of peanut butter." Please do not take away the only hedonistic pleasure still available to me by reminding me of what a sensible, healthy snack is supposed to look like. I want duck confit and a 12-pack of Skor bars. I want every part of the pig. What?? I QUIT SMOKING, DIDN'T I??

6. "You're so big! Are you sure you're not having twins?" or, "You're so tiny, are you sure you're pregnant?" Or anything, really, that makes reference to a pregnant woman's size (come to think of it, this is a good policy for women, or just plain people, in general). If you must comment on a pregnant woman's appearance, better stick to neutral statements like, "You are currently pregnant," or, "You have on shoes."

7. "You're glowing!!" OK, technically this is not such a horrible thing. But the few times anybody said anything to me about a glow, I would think, "Oh, no, it's just the light bouncing off my flop-sweat," and wonder if I had somehow eaten a bunch of incandescent bulbs. Pregnant ladies get weird cravings, y'all.

8. "Unnnnngggghhffffff." Or some variation of this. A few days after I found out I was pregnant, I went out with my best friend. She noticed right away that I was drinking juice and not smoking. "What's going on with you?" she asked. "I'm pregnant," I said. She put her head in her hands and made a noise wasn't exactly the most encouraging. She and I are, like, war-buddy close — we've known and loved each other since we were 19 and held each other up through the gnarliest of times — so she gets a pass (and, to be fair, it was a fair representation of part of my own reaction to the news as well — I mean, I was overjoyed, but you know). But from anyone else, no way. It's delighted squeals or the highway.

9. "Hi, Mom!" Reserve the word "mom" for the woman who raised you. Not to go all Women's Studies 101 on you, but pregnant ladies already have enough uncomfortable feelings about their changing identity without you erasing her name and replacing it with a generic "Mom."

10. "May I?" This, said while reaching for the baby bump to give it a rub like it's the Lucky Buddha. This is one of those situations where you're going to have to put on your very best social-context deciphering cap to determine if it's OK for you to ask to touch the belly. Are you close relatives? Or very close friends? Is the woman in front of you poking her belly toward you in a "Rub my belly!!" kind of way, or is she inching backward and covering her bump with her forearms? This is called body language, and it's an important clue. True story: When my friend Lauren was pregnant, some rando on the street fully lifted up her T-shirt to rub her giant, ready-to-deliver belly. Don't be that rando.

*Which I would have! But I got to the hospital too late so no drugs for poor sad Emily.

Emily Flake is the author of Mama Tried: Dispatches From the Seamy Underbelly of Modern Parenting.

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