According to some wives, you should have sex every single night to be happy. That's obviously bullshit because no one has time for that and here's why.
1. Because you have shows to watch. Catching up on Scandal is a part-time job, but somebody has to do it.
2. Because Fifty Shades of Grey won't read itself. It's a real page-turner.
3. Because sex got a little too rough last night. After reading Fifty Shades, you got out the handcuffs and, well, charley horses require a day's recovery.
4. Because you had Indian food for dinner. Gut bomb.
5. Because he masturbated earlier. Refractory periods are real.
6. Because you're just tired. Everyone is so tired.
7. Because you think you might have a UTI and you just want to wait it out a little. Would it kill you to give your urethra a break?
8. Because you are playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood and you just need to finish this one photo shoot. And you said you'd be up for sex after and then he was tired so he went to bed and so you kept playing for like three more hours, NBD.
9. Because you just ordered a new vibrator online and you want to spend some alone time with it tonight. Well, hello, Mr. Darcy, how do you do?
10. Because you have a legit headache. It's not just an excuse!
11. Because you can't always go to bed at the same time. You go to bed before he gets home from his baseball game and then he sleeps in because he got home late. Maybe you'll have snore-y, grope-y, middle-of-the-night sex, but if not, there's always tomorrow.
12. Because some days, you are just not going to get wet. No matter how long he chafes away down there.
13. And some days, his penis is just not going to stay hard. No matter how long you pull on it.
14. And neither of you feels like performing oral. These are the "Eh, fuck it" *kiss good night* *roll over* nights.
15. Because he said something mean about your friend earlier and you're still mad about it. Kelsey is not chatty, god.
16. Because spooning is doing the job. Aww, this is nice. Isn't this nice, hon? Yeah, really nice.
17. Because a friend from college is crashing on your couch. *whispers* "Will Jason hear us?" "No, no, I can be quiet." "I don't know, these doors are pretty thin." "Ugh, yeah, OK, for the sake of Jason." *silently hates Jason*.
18. Because you pulled an all-nighter at work. Babe, I just have to get in this TPS report.
19. Because you let your cat sleep between you the other three to four days. And you're not about to fuck in front of Mittens.
Follow Emma on Twitter.
Emma Barker edits longform reporting at Cosmopolitan. She lives with her husband in Brooklyn, NY.
