1. Never having to wear a crop top ever again.

Or wearing a crop top every day, if you want to. Basically being at home in your body so you just wear the stuff that feels good. I am currently wearing a MuuMuu and I LuuLuuve it.

2. Not eating ice cream for dinner every night.

You know how to cook real food now. And real food is amazing. (Of course, you still have the ice cream for dessert because you're not INSANE.)

3. Owning how weird you are.

In your 20s, you try to like cool shit. In your 30s, you stay home all weekend and watch Ugly Betty reruns and scratch your butt and talk to your mom about knitting over Skype for two hours. AND YOU LOVE IT.

4. Finally amassing like-minded weirdos.

You no longer have the time or patience to hang out with people you don't one-thousand-percent dig. Your contacts might just have ten people in it (two of those are numbers for your mom), but they're all people who would help you hide a body.

5. Being able to afford a hotel when you go home to visit your family.

No more trying to bone in your old twin bed. #blessed.

6. You have a REAL BED.

At least a Queen, and maybe even a King. There is nothing that's quite as wonderful as sleeping in a King bed. It's SO BIG. It's like sleeping in an ocean of pillows on a cloud made of pillows in heaven.

7. Absolutely no pressure ever to go on roller coasters if you hate them.

Nobody can make you do SHIT. Now leave me alone while I eat this funnel cake covered in Dipping Dots (ice cream of the future/present!).

8. Saying no when your friends try to push you into that last tequila shot.

AKA, making good choices!

9. Not puking. As much.

Possibly/definitely related to #8.

10. Not having to buy everything from IKEA.

Also: not having to assemble anything from IKEA. (AKA, finally having some money, honey.)

11. Finally being able to adopt a dog.

Because you know you can take good care of it. Oh yes, this puppy can be yours:

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12. When you're 35, you can be president. FINALLY.

JK, nobody wants that.

13. No one really cares if you're getting married.

Do it if you want to, but no ones gonna bug you. There's something supremely satisfying about your mom not emailing you wedding dresses on the regular. (Just me? OK!)

14. You can change your career.
And people will see it as inspiring instead of directionless and sad.
15. Going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night and thinking it's the best decision ever.

Because it is!
16. You relate more to Liz Lemon than to Cerie.
Yes to all of this:
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17. Not moving every year.

I call it settling UP.

18. Not having to move your friend's shit.

It has become uncool for anyone to ask you to help them move. Thank the lord. A slice of pizza is not a sufficient payment for carrying someone's couch down a fifth floor walk-up on your back.

19. Not having 50 roommates.

You might still have roommates, but you're not sharing a room with five of them. You might even have your own bathroom. FANCY.

20. Giving zero fucks.
You don't give a shit anymore. At this point you've made your friends, your parents don't matter, and everyone who doesn't like you can fuck off. Now, where's my night cheese?
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Laura Beck
Laura Beck is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and frequent contributor to Cosmopolitan.com — her work has appeared in the New York Times, New Yorker, Jezebel, and the Village Voice.