1 AM the night before
WooooOOO! I love you! I also love you! God, you're pretty, and I'm pretty. Let's get another shot! We're gonna live forever and never die! My blood's made of glitter glue! YAYAYAYYAYAYA—
8 AM
Oh. Oh my God. My head. What. I. I need to get up and get water. But. I. Cannot. Let me check my text messages. I remember sending Something to Someone last night.
8:20 AM
Man, I do not remember sending these. Also, I probably shouldn't have talked about being so good at [insert sex act here.] Now I'm gonna have to live up to my big drunk bragging mouth. Which tastes like someone died inside it, incidentally.
9 AM
Why did I mix my drinks last night?! Why didn't I just stick to beer? Then I'd just take one big poop and then feel fine!
I need to change everything about my lifestyle and myself and be the best version of who I can possibly be instead of this wretch who goes to bed without washing her eyeliner off and wakes up looking like a Les Mis extra.
10 AM
Imma try to go back to bed. Maybe if I hide so far under the covers and pillows that I look like I am persona non grata attempting to evade the US Government, this tiny man will stop playing the bongo drum on my brain.
10:15 AM
Nope.
11 AM
Get up, self. Stagger over to sink. Drink five glasses of water so quickly that I cannot breathe. Pray that I don't puke. Am I gonna puke? No.
11:05 AM
Okay, yes. Momentarily feel better. Back to bed.
12:00 PM
It's noon. Time to rally. Take a shower. Stand under the water until I start to feel human. Go get some Gatorade and coconut water.
1 – 2 PM
Queasy morning-after brunch with friends, which includes a full analysis of every drunk text ("Are you really that good at [sex act?]." "Hahahaha. No. Maybe? No.") as well as a general recap of the previous night.
2:30 – 3:30 PM
Hangover Shopping (noun): The slightly dazed, dehydrated post-brunch ritual of buying a few cheap Forever 21 things you will probably not wear.
4 PM
Okay! I'm feeling better! Time to run errands and clean the house.
4:30 PM - 10 PM
*stays in bed and watches Love & Hip Hop marathon.*
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Image via Fox
