1. Where's your accent? Everyone from the South does not sound like they walked off the set of Green Acres, so try to keep your surprise in check when you meet someone from Tennessee who doesn't drop their g's. Furthermore, people who do have accents often teach themselves to speak without one to avoid ridicule from coworkers/friends/etc. Better just not to bring this topic up at all.
2. Is your cousin a good kisser? Oh good, incest jokes. This a really offensive stereotype, and if you're using it as some sort of tasteless icebreaker in conversation with a new Southern acquaintance, you're absolutely not doing yourself any favors. At least 99.999 percent of Southerners are just as grossed out by the idea of making out with family members as someone from Massachusetts.
3. Do you wear shoes? Because hicks don't wear shoes. I see what you did there. Like everyone else, Southerners like to take their shoes off at the beach or when they're having a barbecue in the yard, but surprise! They still have to wear shoes to work, school, and pretty much everywhere else. And based on the presence of DSW in so many strip malls off the highway, it's probably safe to assume most people down there even like wearing shoes.
4. Y'all. If you're trying to making a joke about Southerners having poor grammar, you're not being very creative. Also, you're saying it wrong.
5. Did you ride a horse to school? No, dummy. I rode a bus, and it was terrible. And if you must know, the only horse I've ever been on was a pony at some girl's birthday party in third grade, and I hated every second of it.
6. It must have been so overwhelming to move to a big city. You know they have cars and roads and public transportation below the Mason-Dixon, right? And restaurants, movie theaters, H&M;, and iTunes? The only thing "overwhelming" about my move was the cost of 20 book boxes.
7. Which Carolina/Virginia are you from again? How would you like it if I forgot which tiny northeastern state you were from, and constantly asked you to explain the difference between Rhode Island and Delaware? You don't need to memorize all of the state flowers or anything, but simply recalling that I said "Virginia" without a "West" seems easy enough to do.
8. You must have a Confederate flag in your apartment. Most Southerners do not celebrate their region's cruel history, and many of them do not agree with their states' frequently backwards stances on issues like abortion and gun control. Mind-blowing, I know.
9. That's all just flyover country. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there with your fightin' words. The South is positively brimming with amazing cities, attractions, and culture. What would hip-hop be without Atlanta? What would theme parks be without Dollywood? What would barbecue be without Memphis? What about bourbon, without Kentucky? And on, and on, and on, until you realize that you could spend your entire life exploring amazing stuff in the South and never see it all.
10. Jokes about teeth. Surprisingly, this is a real genre of "joke" that people still think is funny. Guess what? It's not. We have fluoride in the water too. We go to the dentist. We floss. Did you think we could drink all that sweet tea without proper dental maintenance? (I actually hate sweet tea.)
11. Can we talk about biscuits? I love biscuits. Actually, this is fine. Biscuits are perfect, beautiful gifts handed down to us by angels from on high. I will never not want to talk about biscuits.
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I’m the senior entertainment editor at Cosmopolitan.com, which means my DVR is always 98 percent full. I love romance novels, bourbon, and canceling plans so I can watch Lost for the 50th time.
