Don't let porn fool you. A lot of the time a three-way IRL just winds up being two people doing it while a third masturbates awkwardly near them. (And if you're in a committed relationship and you think a threesome is a good idea, you're wrong.) Here's what guys actually think before, during, and after a threesome:
1. Yo, porn makes threesomes look so good. I don't understand why real life isn't more like porn. I'm sure if I had a real three-way, it would be exactly like this.
2. I can't believe I'm getting the opportunity to have a real three-way. I bet this shit happens to Jason Statham all the time. This is what it feels like to be Jason Statham.
3. Wait. I only have one penis and there are two vaginas. What the hell am I supposed to do with the other vagina? I feel like I've been tricked. This is regular sex but more work.
4. Are they going to do lesbian stuff? I'm going to try to make them ki — all right, well, I guess that means no lesbian stuff. That's really putting the pressure on me.
5. I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A THREESOME! [Singing] This is so great. I am having sex with two different vaginas. I can't wait to tell everyone about this. I am the best person ever.
6. OK, I guess you try to move — nope. That's not going to work. Alright, you get on top and you hold — dammit. Your elbow is literally inside my eye socket right now. How does no one know what to do here? Did we all just forget how to have sex? OK, she's literally just standing around right now. This is basically a middle-school play.
7. There are four naked boobs in this room.
That's two more than usual. Awesome.
8. Oh wait, shit. I'm supposed to come. I forgot about that part because I was so busy focusing on two vaginas and four boobs. I guess I'll just jerk off in front of you two for a few minutes? This feels less cool and more weird.
9. I feel like I'm trying to survive a bear attack. I'm not making eye contact, I'm making myself look as big as possible, and I'm making a lot of noise for no reason.
10. That was awkward and cumbersome and messy and great and fun. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WAS THE SAME AS REGULAR SEX.
11. Hey, bro! I had a three-way! Yeah, it was amazing! It was so cool! The girls were so into it! Yeah, I'm the man.
12. And on the off-chance you're in a "Devil's Triangle" (two dudes, one girl): NO, NO, NO, NO, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, IHATETHISIHATETHISNONONONONONONONO. I'm sorry.
Photo Credit: Getty
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