1. Get ready to eat takeout all the time for every meal. Even when I buy groceries, I still get home and order delivery immediately because I'm too tired to cook anything I just bought. Embrace this. It shall not change.
2. If you try to recommend a movie, know that she has already watched most of Netflix in the last year alone. Anything I haven't seen has been skipped for a reason, or I watched five minutes of it and gave up. If you'd like to rewatch something though...
3. Ninety percent of her TV watching is her rewatching her three favorite shows. Look, getting into a show takes so much time and energy, but if I put on 10 episodes of Criminal Minds right now, I know already know I'll like it because I've seen them 40 times. Plus, I can mouth along to the dialog like a seasoned TV pro.
3. She will never go on some intense around-the-world trip with you and you have exhausted her just by mentioning it. I don't even know if I have a passport and I'd have to get up from the couch to look for it. Are you buying plane tickets? How does that even work? I hate this conversation so much already.
4. You will spend most of your time together at her place. I want to see you, really I do, but in a perfect world I would get to see you ~*wIthOuT mOviNG*~.
5. You are now in charge of initiating every single date and outing you guys ever have. Asking me where I feel like going tonight will only delay this inevitable end. Just tell me what I need to know and I'll see you at 7.
6. Waking up before her will involve you sneaking out the door quietly and then remaining quiet until she wakes up at noon. Do not eff this up. She is very tired every day.
7. If you're going to make her change out of her leggings/sweats, there better be a damn good reason. Will there be snacks? Are they good ones? Are you driving? Please say yes to all three.
8. If you make her go to a super-fancy event, she'll make no promises that she will blend in. I have what I think is a nice dress that I feel super awkward in and still probably won't be fancy enough, if that works for you.
9. Her idea of the perfect workout is walking to the grocery store to get snacks. Because it's exercise that ends in food, as all exercise should.
10. When she packs for a trip, she either packs enough for a year or barely enough for an hour. Most of the time, when I open my suitcase, I realize I packed, like, five bathing suits, one sweater, and forgot my toothbrush. Why? Oh, because I didn't feel like packing properly and then at the last minute just threw in whatevs until I gave up.
11. She has a sexy nightgown somewhere, she's just not sure where it is at the moment. I think I bought it in 2013, so maybe it's in storage. Hold on.
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
