1. The "I have no interest in blowing you right now so this will have to do" hand job. Look, let's both pretend this is an adequate substitute so we can watch Mad Men afterward.
2. The "I initially thought this would be foreplay, but now I think I'm just gonna go with it" hand job. You thought I was just gonna touch it for a while and then do other stuff? Nope.
3. The "we are teens in the backseat of a car and I assume you like this?" hand job. This is what boys like, right? This weird thing I'm doing with my hand that I hate? OK.
4. The "I can absolutely tell you want to pull my hand away and just do this yourself" hand job. I know you would love nothing more than for me to leave so you could do a great job at this because who can do it better than you? Not me. And honestly I would love to leave and come back later.
5. The dry hand job. You both know this is horrible but neither one of you says anything because you kind of hope the other one stops it first.
6. The hand job with spit. Spit is not lube. It's just not.
7. The "lefty when you are a righty" hand job. "He does know I'm right-handed, right? I should basically get a medal for being able to do this."
8. The "I'm too tired to do anything but this" hand job. Which quickly becomes the "will he notice if I fall asleep while giving this hand job" hand job.
9. The Victoria's Secret Summer Splash Breeze hand job. Well, I don't have lube but what I do have is this oppressively scented body lotion that will make your junk smell like a tropical island with dicks instead of palm trees. Don't you feel whisked away?
10. The "I'm on my period" sympathy hand job. We've been dating for so many years now that I wish we could have sex, I really do, but since I don't feel like it and you're amazing, here. You're welcome. Good night and see you in the morning.
11. The "I'm pretty sure this is hurting you" hand job. You said this feels good, but I feel like I'm going to rip it off. Stop me at any time because I am truly scared for your well-being.
12. The "I'm going to make this so bad that hopefully you'll stop me so I can go home" hand job. It's dry, my speed is inconsistent, I'm all over the place here. What's that? You have an early morning? Peace, sucka!
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
