1. Is this how dogs feel? No wonder they don't look super psyched when I see them doing this in the park.
2. Does he think I'm a dog? Like, is he imagining dogs? Or is he imagining me dressed up as a dog? Honestly, I'd make a really cute looking dog.
3. Focus or you'll fall. This must be what circus performers feel like when they're on a high beam. This is like the high beam of sex.
4. My boobs look weird like this. God they really are bouncing a ton and he can't even see it. What a waste of a perfectly good boob bounce.
5. I wish I had a vibrator. Nonstop penetration is cool but I do have a clit and it'd be cool to involve that at some point.
6. What was that noise my body just made? Was that a gurgle? Can a vagina gurgle?
7. I can't really breathe. This isn't exactly a yoga pose. Is there a way to do this so I can lie down? Oh, that's a completely other position. I see.
8. I hope my head doesn't hit the headboard. I'm pretty sure Excedrin doesn't make a "Doggie style sex injury headache medicine" so keep your shit safe.
9. He really needs to dust more. Dusting is a lost art. Does anyone dust anymore?
10. My arms are killing me. I really should be doing more planks. Wait, does this count as a workout? It'd be cool to not have to go to Beyonce Yoga Dance Blast tonight.
11. Are his eyes closed or open right now? Just trying to get a visual.
12. Should I thrust back more? Or will that throw off the rhythm? Ugh, now we're out of sync.
13. Is that my cervix? Please stop hitting my cervix.
14. I wish he didn't put a mirror right there, wait, is that mirror there on purpose? Perhaps this killer boob bounce wasn't wasted after all.
15. Now would be a good time to practice your reach-around, bro. Just give it a whirl. Even if it fails, at least I won't feel like you've left me hanging, which I currently do.
16. Holy shit, that made all the difference. Aaaand I'm coming.
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
