1. Does she even want a pic of my penis? These texts are getting sort of sexual. I don't know if she wants to see my penis, but I also feel like asking her "do you want to see my penis?" outright is going to ruin the mood.
2. I should just send one. What's the worst that could happen? A restraining order? Yes, actually.
3. OK, how should I do this? I've never modeled before. Should I lay out on my bed? Place it on a satin pillow? Maybe I should put together a tasteful, leather-bound scrapbook of pictures of my penis I had taken at Sears.
4. It should probably be hard. I don't think anyone has been really jazzed about a flaccid penis. But somehow it's hard to get hard when I'm thinking about getting hard.
5. What's my medium? Would it be weird to just do a straight-on, POV shot? I should probably do it in front of a mirror.
6. Which angle makes it look bigger? Should I take it from up high? No, that looks like a teenage girl selfie. What if I take it from down low? No, that looks like an art house student film about my penis. Although, maybe... ?
7. This lighting make it look jaundiced. Maybe I should wait until all the colors of the sunset start filtering in through my bathroom window, rainbow shafts of light dancing across my penis. Or I could just take it now and be like, "whatever."
8. Should my face be in it? It feels weird if I just send a headless body.
9. What face should I be making? Definitely not my regular "smiling for pictures" smile. That looks manic when you're naked.
10. Flex as hard as you can. EVERY MUSCLE IN MY BODY IS ABOUT TO SNAP BUT THIS IS TOTALLY WORTH IT.
11. Now take a dozen more. That didn't come out quite right. Let's do that again. And again. Nope, again.
12. Should I use a filter? Which one is most flattering for a man's junk? I need something really dignified. Kelvin? No one likes Kelvin.
13. I'm overthinking this. This turned into a high-production Annie Leibovitz shoot.
14. Here we go. I'm just going to hover my thumb over "send" for a bit. Maybe I should have a friend or family member send it for me if I can't get the nerve. No, screw it, this is fine.
15. WHY ISN'T SHE RESPONDING?! Time to pace nervously for 45 minutes!
16. She responded but I can't open the text because my hands are so sweaty. She said, "cool." I'm emotionally spent.
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Photo Credit: Getty
