1. When you indulged in double dessert.
So the saying goes: Don't expect any nookie if I have eaten a pizza-size cookie.
2. When you're on your period.
Sure, sex on your period can be howling-at-the-moon amazing, but it can also just be like, "Ugh. I don't want to get a towel and then wash the sheets and then hose down my whole body and then burn this entire house down and start our lives from scratch." (Too dramatic?)
3. When you're eating a delicious treat.
What, does he want to lose a finger or something? No man comes between a woman and her cannoli. I've thought about eating this thick cream-filled goodness all week, and no, I am not talking about your dick.
4. After you've had a long day at work.
If I can barely exert the effort to push my finger down and start The Leftovers on HBO Go, that means a hand job is out of the question.
5. When you just did it.
What is this? Studio 54? My vagina is not a carnival ride. (JK, my vagina is totally a carnival ride and sometimes doing it twice in a row is the best idea ever, but damn, a girl's gotta rest!)
6. When you're sick.
If you can barely breathe without him on top of you, how's it gonna go down when 160 pounds are a' heaving and a' ho-ing above? And don't get me started on the issue of projectile phlegm if you're on top. Puke. (Which is something you just might do.)
7. When you've spent all night working.
And it's 6 a.m. and all you want to do is take a shower and then die, but you have to go into work and his hand is on your breast and Jesus, take the wheel.
8. When you're sweaty.
I am literally Pumbaa right now. I don't want it, you don't want it. Turn on a goddamn fan and stay on your side of the bed.
9. When your parents are in the next room.
You can't even watch Game of Thrones with your mom and dad; how are you supposed to fornicate with them playing Scrabble down the hall?! (Or worse: What if they're doing it at the same time??!!)
(P.S. I am so sorry for that image. I will never forgive myself.)
10. When you just don't want to.
On the real: Sometimes you just don't feel like getting down and there's no excuse needed. As long as you are fulfilled and happy sexually and otherwise, you've got nothing to worry about.
11. When baseball* is on.
Not now, honey.
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*or a Property Brothers marathon.
