Black puffy coats are hideous. They are the winter fashion equivalent of cockroaches, as gross as they are pervasive. Get angry with me if you must. Tweet me death threats and write horrible things in the comments. I can take it for the most part, because I know that deep down, you agree with me. Even if you own one and wear it every day from November to March, on some level, I know you know that that long, doughy column you call a winter coat is nothing more than a chrysalis of sadness — a daily reminder that you are trapped in winter's cold, dark embrace.
Let me be clear: I'm not saying that all puffy outerwear is an abomination unto good taste. I actually quite like puffy jackets — the kinds that end around your waist or hips can actually make your legs look long and lean when worn with a pair of skinny pants. Even those short, belted puffers can be cute, provided they are fitted and have a nice little kick at the bottom. It's those long column puffer coats I can't stand. They are just plain awful. I mean, if misery were a coat, it would be black and puffy and go all the way down to your ankles.
You might argue that puffers had something of a moment on the runways this season, with Fendi, Chanel, and Moschino all featuring them prominently in their shows, but I think we can all agree that just because something walks the runway doesn't mean it's flattering. Besides, none of the designers who made puffiness a central theme of their shows did so with the kind of dreary Michelin-Man-looking sad sacks that I'm talking about here. They used color and dramatic proportions to enliven this most depressing of winter staples — at least to the extent that such a thing could be done. So don't go telling me that those long black tubes are stylish, because I'm not buying it and I don't think you are either.
And, contrary to popular belief, black is not always chic. It's safe. When it comes to a utilitarian cover-all like the long puffy coat, it's not just safe, it's boring.
Winter is dreary enough without adding your own shapeless cloud of perpetual sadness to the mix. And you can't tell me that long black puffy coat doesn't make you at least a little bit sadder every time you put it on. It's like saying, "You've got me, winter. I give up." That's why people always look so depressed when they wear them.
That said, I get that there are times when all you want to do is be warm and say, "Fuck fashion." At least, that's what you say you want. What I suspect you really want in those moments is just to blend in. But just because something is pervasive doesn't mean it's good.
And don't try to tell me you're wearing it because it is the only way to stay warm. So are a lot of things — wool, cashmere, any number of heat-trapping synthetics. Not to mention layering, which allows you to wear the same clothes pretty much year-round. So don't hide behind utility. There is nothing aesthetically pleasing about wearing a bloated black tube, even one that comes with a matching, waist-cinching belt.
I don't say all this just to be nasty. What people wear is ultimately their own business. I just think that black puffy coats have become a crutch that too many of us lean on in the winter because we are overwhelmed by the prospect of dressing for the cold. We convince ourselves that these ugly, shapeless sacks are the only option we have because to find something we actually like, that flatters us and makes us feel good in spite of the frigid temperatures outside, would require effort — and that is one thing many of us feel we just cannot afford to expend. Even though we totally can. Even though we would probably be a lot happier if we did. You could say it's just a coat, but if it's something you wear every day for months at a time, it's not just a coat. It's worth finding something that makes you look and feel good while also keeping you warm.
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