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Well, we've reached it, the final frontier. No, I'm not talking about space (although I cannot wait for a Gravity-inspired sex tip! Cosmo, why are you holding out on me? I want to be Dr. Ryan Stone!). I'm talking about bringing pizza into your bed. For sex purposes.
I've tried a lot of Cosmo's sex tips now, and I've been pretty happy with the outcome, so when it was suggested that I may enjoy a sexy picnic with my partner, I was pretty much over the moon — not giving up those space jokes — because sex and food are two of my favorite things after napping and watching television while naked. And when I found out that I would be writing about eating a pizza directly off my partner's body (after it cooled, of course) I was ready with takeout menus and an entire roll of paper towels. (This is what my emergency preparedness kit looks like, by the way.)
"A picnic sounds nice," my partner said when I suggested the idea to him. "Let me check the weather to see if we can do it this week."
"No," I told him. "This is a sexy picnic. A bedroom picnic."
"But we have a park two blocks away! Why can't we just have a nice day outside?"
"Because," I told him "that would be breaking at least ten state laws. I can't eat a pizza off your naked torso in the park!"
"Who said anything about a pizza?" He asked in a panic. "Who said anything about naked?"
After much hand-wringing about bringing a pizza into the bedroom — let it be known that my partner isn't a prude; he just didn't want to ruin his $100 sheets — he agreed that we could proceed with the experiment if we ordered a white pie — :/ —and if I agreed to pay for any dry-cleaning that needed to be done. Pizza sex: It's worth it!
The setting: Our bedroom. Picture a luxurious king-size bed with silk sheets and several giant pillows. (That's not what our bed looks like — we have a full — but it works better if you use your imagination). Now picture two naked people with a $25 pizza between them, waiting for it to cool so that they can feed it to each other without sustaining first-degree burns. (I know that doesn't sound as sexy, but it's an important safety warning if you try this tip. Sexily slapping your partner with a piece of pizza is fun and messy, but you have to make sure the slap will only result in delighted squeals and not cries of anguish.)
The music: What music? You can't just put on your smoothest R&B playlist and then wrap a piece of pizza around someone's dong. What music accurately sets the mood for that? The only sounds fit for this kind of thing come from a spoken-word art piece and I'll be damned if I'm bringing poetry into the bedroom. Pizza is enough!
The mood: We lit a few candles and turned out the lights. The candles, by the way, were unscented. I don't care what anyone says about how amazing French vanilla smells. I don't want that to be mingling with the delicious smell of cheese and pesto. And dong. (Gross.)
The pizza: A white pie from an undisclosed pizzeria. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the people making the pizza, lovingly creating a delicious treat that would be used for nefarious purposes only.
The act: We started out slow by trying to feed each other the pizza, breaking off tiny bits and putting them in each other's mouths, then doing our best to chew and swallow sexily. For me, that meant doing it with my mouth closed and keeping direct eye contact. At one point I also engaged in a bit of dirty talk, telling my partner to "chew that pizza. Chew it like you mean it. Yeah, that's how. Now swallow," but he put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, informing me that there's a time and place to give orders in the bedroom and while someone is trying to masticate a piece of pizza isn't it. OK, bossy.
By this time, the pizza was warm rather than hot, so we moved on to placing it on each other's bodies and then trying to nibble and lick it off. While this was fun, I can understand why something like this would work better with sushi. Until you've tried to get a piece of pizza off someone's chest with only your teeth and tongue, you don't really appreciate how nice firm foods can be for sexual practices. Foods that don't slip and slide all over the place when you try to bite them. Foods that don't make you worry that you're going to accidentally bite someone if you miss. This was still fun, but it required a little more dexterity. Good thing I play all those video games!
Our finale was going to include a piece of pizza wrapped around someone's penis, but my partner felt that was too close to the guy who fucked a Hot Pocket and opted out at the last minute, citing both tiredness as well as his desire to wash the pesto out of his hair before it hardened. And, he pointed out, we'd still have to change the sheets if we wanted to sleep in bed that night. I asked him if he'd let me slap him with a piece of pizza a couple more times (because, so fun!), but he just rolled his eyes and took off for the bathroom.
The party-for-one modification: Use a calzone!
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