I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, and things are going very well, for the most part. We do most everything together, have a lot of fun, and he treats me like gold. But somehow he still hasn't said "I love you." I've always been one to let the man take the lead in this department, and it's starting to worry me that he hasn't said it or even hinted at it yet. I don't think he doesn't love me — I just don't understand why he won't say it out loud. I should probably note that this is his first serious relationship after breaking up with an ex who he was with for about 10 years. I'm not insecure about that part of his life. In fact, I think it highlights a lot of good qualities within him, and I'm sure it's a huge part of what has made him who he is today — a person who I care for very much. But I do think that it might have something to do with him not being ready to say the words yet. Truthfully, this is the happiest and healthiest relationship I have ever been in, which makes this holdup even more confusing to me. What do I do?
It sounds like you've got this guy figured out. After a decade-long relationship, your boyfriend is being cautious. I buy that explanation for why he won't say "I love you."
If it's the "happiest and healthiest" relationship of your life, it sounds like he is treating you well — and that's what matters most. If he's acting like he loves you, that's great. But of course you want to hear it.
I know it's your habit to "let the man take the lead in this department," but maybe, if you really feel that way, and you know that you're the one who feels more comfortable saying it aloud, you should just go for it. If you really love him — and it sounds like you do — tell him. Hearing you say the words might help him open up and accept your love, but even if he's not ready to say it back, it's a wonderful thing to feel loved, and you can give him that. If he's not quite ready to call it "love," you can talk about it, but the only way to open that discussion is to tell him first.
I was in a relationship with a guy I thought was The One. A month before his birthday, he took me ring shopping and I got him a very special birthday gift. A week before his birthday, he got a new girl and dumped me. He became so mean and stopped talking to me. He never even gave me reason. It's been two months, and he wants me back. I don't know what to do. I feel like he will do it again. My heart loves him so much so I forgave him. Can I trust him again?
It already sounds like you know this guy can't be trusted. Even if he acted like Prince Charming before the breakup, he revealed himself to be a jerk when he acted "mean" (in my opinion his actions deserve a tougher word than "mean") and dumped you without showing you basic respect.
So ask yourself a simple question: What's different this time?
Since you say, "He never even gave me a reason," I bet the answer is nothing. If he hasn't changed, you have no reason to believe that he won't do the same thing — or worse — again.
If you are really hung up on this guy, I suppose you could ask him the same question: "What's different this time?" Talk about it. Demand explanations and assurances that he will be more respectful — but remember, too, that he probably made promises before he backed out the last time. Make sure his actions match his promises. Make sure he actually treats you better every day.
It might be possible to rebuild that trust. (Just ask Bill and Hillary.) But it's probably easier and healthier to start from scratch with someone else. And if you do try to work it out, move slowly. Just because you were about to buy a ring before you broke up doesn't mean you should pick up where you left off. Make him earn your trust over time.
My boyfriend of four years just broke up with me, and I want to know if he just got overwhelmed with the idea of growing up and needs some time to self-reflect, or if this split is because our relationship has just run its course. He's 24 and I'm 23. He has been working at his stressful new job for a year now and often puts in 12-hour workdays. He said that he's still in love with me and that I'm the only true best friend he's had, but that he's unhappy and needs time to figure out how to fill the void in his life. We both cried. He also is very scarred by his parents' messy divorce, and I believe it contributed to his fear of commitment. Fast-forward to a month later, when I met up with him and he told me that he's started smoking cigarettes again — he had quit for the entire four years we dated — and had been drinking heavily and even had to take a few days off work, but he didn't say anything about wanting to get back together. It doesn't sound like he's any happier now, so why is he still committed to this breakup?
I can see why you're confused: Your boyfriend broke up with you after four years, then told you that you're his "only true best friend" and that he's "still in love" with you? That would confuse anyone. But, man, guys just love to say that sort of thing — half the time because they're trying to be "a good guy" and, supposedly, not hurt you. That's terribly confusing. It's definitely exhausting. And even if it's true, it doesn't help you much if his definition of "love" doesn't involve being together.
If you need clarity, you can try asking him for straightforward details on why he broke up with you — but it sounds like this young guy might not be able to give you a satisfying answer, particularly because he sounds like he has trouble explaining, or maybe even understanding, his feelings.
But let's ignore the smoking and the drinking (you won't be in a position to be a good friend until you rebuild your friendship) and the words coming out of his mouth, and look at his actions instead: He broke up with you and hasn't said that he wants to get back together. This, at least, should send a clear message.
You asked why, if he is so unhappy, is "he still committed to this breakup?" It's an interesting way of phrasing things — as if he's chosen to commit to the breakup instead of you. It may feel that way, but, like everyone else, he probably had complicated reasons for wanting to break out on his own — and sometimes that's hard to explain. It's not unusual for him to be unhappy. People usually are after a breakup. Transitions are hard. But that doesn't mean we should get back together with our exes.
For better or worse, he seems to need the independence. Whether he's healthy now or not, he's chosen to move on without you — and you have to let him go.
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
