I've been married for four years, and as many people are going at it like rabbits in this stage, my husband and I are having sex maybe once every three months. I'm going crazy! He has no sex drive and never really has, but I am constantly fantasizing and am seriously considering cheating. I'm tired of using toys and getting rejected when I come on to him. I truly love him and am at my wit's end.

You're at a dangerous breaking point: that frustrating moment when the resentment has festered long enough and you have begun to consider acting out. This is the time when people often think they have to make a hard decision: to cheat or not? To break up or stay together? Our brains just seem hardwired to jump to extremes when we're feeling stuck. But you should slow down.

Right now, it sounds like your problem is mostly about sex. But if you cheat, it will suddenly become about so much else — trust, faith, and honesty, for starters — and you will almost certainly make a mess of your relationship. And where would it end? After one affair, will you just keep cheating until you look around one day and you're flirting with the new old codger in your assisted living facility?

Take a breath, talk to a good friend, and think before you leap.

In the moment, cheating might seem like the only answer — that's understandable — but why not do the thing that likely seems harder and less exciting than striking up a hot affair: Really, seriously, soberly talk this out with your husband before you do anything else. Explain how important it is. And explore other options — from plain talk about what turns you both on to therapy to ending the relationship — before you embark on a series of unsustainable affairs.

Sure, you could lie, hurt your partner, and hide the truth. But why not try to live honestly?

I've been dating my boyfriend for three years, and we still haven't said "I love you" to each other. He hasn't given me a key to his place — he's "not ready." My parents haven't met him, and he won't plan a vacation with me. I want to say "I love you" first, but I'm afraid if he's not ready to hear it or say it, he'll freak out. Every time I've tried having a conversation about our future, he freaks out and says he's "not ready" — end of discussion. Throughout our entire relationship, we've taken things slow, except when it came to sex. And at this point, after three years, I'm starting to worry that this relationship isn't going anywhere. I love him and I want a future with him, but he doesn't even want to discuss it and I'm afraid to push him to talk about it because he'll just want to break up. The last time I spoke to him about our future a year ago, he said, "I don't want to hold you back, and if you feel you need to move on, I understand," and it felt like a slap in the face. I'm going at his pace because I'm hoping one day we'll get married (I'm 29; he's 31), but I'm starting to doubt that will ever happen. My friends suggest I break up with him because they think he's just stringing me along, but I don't want to give up on the relationship, at least until I hear from him there's no future for us. How do I get him to talk about our future without making it a scary/stressful convo for him? He shuts me down every time I try to talk about it.

I think your friends are giving you some good advice. It does sound like he's stringing you along. He's either unable or unwilling to even talk about committing in a serious way. And he won't even plan a vacation? After three years, that's just not enough.

You ask, "How do I get him to talk about our future without making it a scary/stressful convo for him?" Well, some conversations should be a little scary and stressful. Sometimes life is scary and stressful. You've got to face it.

I bet that, for all sorts of understandable reasons, you've been avoiding a real conversation because it would be stressful for you too. But that time has passed. You've got to have an honest conversation — even if it's a little scary. Now.

Ask him what you need to know: Do you love me? When you think about your future, what do you imagine? Can you imagine getting married some day, to me, if all goes well?

If he keeps trying to avoid the conversation, that means he doesn't want the same things. If he won't even talk about a relationship, that means he doesn't want one. You shouldn't waste your time on someone who doesn't respect you enough to even talk about what you're doing.

And I think he's already shown you how he really feels. By saying that he "doesn't want to hold you back," he was passive-aggressively letting you know that he will be OK without you — and, quite possibly, that he hopes you will end things. He may be afraid to do it himself.

It might be scary and stressful to break things off. Breakups always seem scarier before the fact than after it's over. But what scares me the most is the idea that you could spend years of your life with someone who doesn't deserve your love.

How do I decide whether I should stay with my boyfriend, the father of my three boys, if I don't see anything that I like about him anymore? We have been together seven years and are not getting close to marriage. Sex is maybe once a month, and I feel annoyed by his presence. I feel he's boring, and I don't want to waste my life with him if I could possibly be happier with someone else. I'm 29 with three kids (7, 4, and 2). What do I do? I've had numerous conversations about his lack as a boyfriend, but I don't feel I'm getting through to him.

This is obviously a complex situation. You sound like you're at your wit's end — unhappy with your sex life, "annoyed by his presence," and convinced there's nothing you like about him anymore. That sounds bleak. Do you break up and hope for something better? Or do you try to work it out?

I know you've spoken to him "numerous" times, but remember that there's a difference between fights and sporadic chats, and a serious, sit-down conversation about the State of Your Relationship. Whatever you do, the first step should be to make sure that he understands that this is very serious. Since he's not getting it, maybe you need to carve out some time. Call a babysitter, schedule a long conversation, or maybe even take a weekend away together. Tell him that you're at a breaking point — and explain why. If he's resistant to talking, you might also try couple's counseling as a way of making it very clear that these problems are very real.

When you do talk, try to speak in specifics. Telling him that he's boring and you feel like you might be wasting your life with him is what you say to someone when you want to break up and burn the bridge. If you're trying to work things out, you need to think hard about what would need to change in order for you to feel good again. Don't expect him to spontaneously figure it out on his own. Tell him what you want.

If you can't imagine anything you two could do to make things better, breaking up might be the right thing for you. Talk to your friends and family — and maybe a therapist. I'm sure you're worried about your kids, and that's always a reason to move cautiously. But plenty of parents raise healthy kids after they split up — and are often better role models because of it, because they had the courage create a healthier situation.

A final bit of practical advice: If you do decide that you want to move on, speak to an attorney first. Custody law can be tricky. Be careful. If your mind is made up, you do not want to make a move of any sort without consulting a lawyer. Make sure that you are not jeopardizing your relationship with your children — or your responsibility to them.

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Logan Hill

Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com