1. You replace the adjective "fun" with "tiring".
That party sounds tiring. That club sounds tiring. That whatever sounds tiring.
2. You hate crowds.
You hate crowds so much that you remind yourself of your own dad. That is how much you hate crowds.
3. They don't have any of the liquor you drink at da club.
Um, thanks, but I'll pass on the rubbing alcohol you call vodka mixed with flat diet cola. And why doesn't this place stock Beaujolais nouveau? Gross!
4. You can't deal with jealousy shiz.
Facebook stalking your partner's ex is just too much work and if your S.O. is mad at you for talking to someone else at a party well then: SEE YA. This shit was cute in high school but in the real world, it's just ugly and exhausting.
5. Da club smells more like vomit than fun.
You have 6am Soul Cycle and need this bro to stop scratching his crotch on you.
6. Going to a party for someone you don't know is the worst thing.
You used to be down to see if there was a cute someone to hook up with but now the thought of conversing with a bunch of weirdos and sitting on a strangers toilet is unacceptable.
7. A fun night out is staying in with a parafin wrap.
Parafin wrap + SATC reruns > anything else on Earth.
8. You've given up Soul Cycle for water aerobics at the Y.
More your speed. Those ladies just get you.
9. You start talking shit about teenagers.
It's as if the physical embodiment of Hell mated with Axe body spray and gave birth to a million pimply morons. OMG THEY ARE THE WORST.
10. College kids aren't much better.
"When did everyone around campus become ten-years-old? This shit is like backwards 13 Going on 30."
11. You roll your eyes when someone suggests getting a keg.
It's heavy, messy, sticky, and stinky. Hard pass! (And while you're passing things, hand me that bottle of Rosé.)
12. You love Rosé.
What? It's pink and it's alcoholic. You're a grown-ass woman, after all.
13. The thought of 2am pizza is no longer sexually arousing.
The bloating. The farts. The bloating and the farts.
14. You pass on an open bar.
You're tired of having to fend off dozens of people just to get to the bar so you can enjoy (not the right word) a free (yet crappy) vodka soda. It's too much work; you'd rather pay.
15. You have to get home to feed your cat/hang out with your cat/OMG your cat might be cooler than these people.
16. You spent hundreds of dollars on high-quality bedding.
Because sleep is everything. It is the sun, the moon, the stars, the air we breathe, and the divine nectar of the Gods. It is EVERYTHING.
17. You hire people to help you move.
Your friend offered you some pizza to help her move from her fifth-floor walk-up to her new seventh-floor walk-up and you about died laughing.
18. You no longer get all your meals from the bodega.
You shop at real grocery stores, and I'm not just talking buying all of Trader Joe's frozen burritos. (At least not every night.) You know where the kale is at your local Whole Foods and you toss that shit into EVERYTHING.
19. You have considered purchasing or have actually purchased hats/capes/full-on outfits for your pet.
If you've ever skipped an event to spend countless hours surfing Etsy for the perfect pepperoni-shaped cap to put on your cat, you might be too old for this shit.
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