Comedy Central's "Night of Too Many Stars" aired last night, with performer Amy Schumer delivering a stand-up routine that will kill you dead.

The highlights, in case you'd prefer to read:

... I wrote a movie last year ... I just assumed that I would just write it, and then they would cast a beautiful actress, like Kate Upton or Middleton ... But they were, like, 'No, we want you to be in the movie. But stop eating!' I was like, 'OK.' [Shrugs] They were like, 'You promise?' I was like, 'Oh my god, I don't even like food. I was just bored.' I was like, 'Food? Blech.' And they got me a trainer. Like a real, serious, trainer; like, he trains Megan Fox, and actual foxes ...

And on getting labeled a "sex comic," and misperceptions about women and sex:

I get labeled a 'sex comic' just because I'm a woman. You know, I feel like a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out, and everyone would be, 'He's a thinker!' [Audience cheering.] Thank you, the ladies and three guys. I think that sex is explained incorrectly to us. They just teach us at a young age that men love sex, and women just deal with it. Right? Like every sitcom, the guy gets home from work, and he's, like, 'Honey, how about tonight? Hmm?' And she's like, 'Blech! Ugh. You know I hate your dick,' [gestures washing] laundry, laundry.

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