1. Reading way too much into everything he says. "Is that a thing?" is something I say virtually every 20 minutes while reading texts from someone I have a crush on.
2. Not being sure that even the clearest signals mean that he likes you. I had a guy drop off a scrapbook full of things I loved on my front porch, and I still thought we were just friends because he didn't specifically say he liked me. It is a problem.
3. Being so nervous about the first kiss that you just leave before it can happen. Because what if he's not going to kiss me and I just think he is and then I stand around waiting for it, or he thinks I'm going to kiss him and then I have to figure that out. Haha. No, thank you, bye.
4. Not wanting to assume that everyone is flirting with you, so you assume no one is ever flirting with you. This has been my plan since I was like, 13, and I've been happily single ever since (JK, this plan is terrible).
5. The more you like someone, the more terrified and nervous you become. My friends are always trying to tell me to "calm down" and "stop breathing into that paper bag every night when you think that this might actually be something because that means it could end and then where will you be," but I don't listen.
6. One time you tried flirting with a stranger who appeared to be hitting on you but then it turned out he had a girlfriend and now you'll never do that ever again. The last time I made the first move was 2006.
7. A total stranger asks for your number and you debate in your head for two hours whether or not it's worth it. I mean, he could be great or he could be a total psycho and then I'm stuck with a total weirdo psycho calling me all the time ... oh. He's already walked away. Like, 20 minutes ago. Hmm.
8. Wanting to touch him so badly that you end up subconsciously feeling him up to an inappropriate degree. Basically pawing at him like he's a sandwich and you're a bear. And you really want that sandwich.
9. Wanting to scream, "DO YOU LIKE ME?" during conversation but having to hold it in. Once I full-blown like someone, it's all I can do not to shout this every 12 minutes.
10. Being so terrified of first-date silence that you end up telling a really personal and upsetting story. Probably about bowel movements or how your parents died in a fire. Neither one goes over super well over noodles.
11. When all your friends are like, "Ugh, shut up already. He obviously likes you," but you're like, "Yeah, probably, but I don't knowwww." Aka why my roommates hate me.
12. Trying to figure out how to say good-bye in a casual way usually turns into you half-hugging him and running away. Actually, running away at the end of the first few dates with someone is one of my favorite pastimes/coping mechanisms. Mostly the latter.
13. Seeing your crush and wanting so badly to either just be with them or to have them leave the country and not even say good-bye. Just pick one. I'm so exhausted by my feelings for you that I don't even care anymore.
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
