1. Costume parties and haunted houses always beat Christmas dinner. And do you think summer could have a holiday where you dress up and eat candy? Hell no. All your candy would've melted. But in the fall, you can toss a fishbowl on your head, say you're an astronaut, go to a party, and four hours later you're throwing up a weird mixture of candy corn, caramel apples, and hard cider. *High five*.
2. Freshly picked apples taste better than store-bought ones. For nine months out of the year, the only way you'll find yourself yanking fruit off trees is if you're a fruit thief. And frankly, that seems like a terrible career path. Apple-picking lets you feel like a ranch hand without all the crippling, dust-bowl era depression that comes along with it. The secret to their deliciousness is love (and manual labor).
3. The ecstasy of ordering six things for lunch and having them all be pumpkin-flavored. The second the calendar gets flipped to September, it's like the world becomes that room in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the wallpaper is flavored, except everything is all pumpkins. Coffee, doughnuts, lollipops, the sidewalk, your mailman. It's a pumpkin world out there, friends. You better get used to it.
4. You must seize the few brief months where you can pretty much wear any item of clothing you own. Fall weather is full of possibility. It's not too warm, but it's not too cold. This is the closest to room temperature you're going to get outside all year.
5. A cool breeze at your back and a fire in front of you is one of the best feelings in the world. The only reason you'll find yourself huddled around a fire in winter is because your plane crashed in the Alps and you're trying to stay alive. Fall weather means everything fire-related is on the table: bonfires, fire pits, fireplaces, chimneys. Go crazy.
6. It's beer o'clock, 24/7. You missed Sam Adam's Octoberfest, didn't you?
7. It is now, finally, socially acceptable to post scenic nature photos to Instagram. Trees explode into color against breathtaking autumn sunsets, creating a dazzling kaleidoscope of color, or whatever. Any other time of year, nature shots are boring.
8. The peacefulness of being able to walk five feet without having a frazzled mother apologize to you while her brood runs around wrecking everything around them. Now that school's back in session, the parks are relaxing again. There are a few warm days left to enjoy the beach without getting sand kicked on you. And Starbucks is no longer a living hell.
9. The love/hate relationship all fall-lovers have with pumpkin spice lattes. The first leaf touching the ground summons the kraken of bastardized coffee drinks: the pumpkin spiced latte (PSL). Who am I to judge? Some people love these things (see No. 3). They're drinking PSLs constantly, double-fisting PSLs on their morning commute. Pouring PSLs on their cereal. Filling their pools with pumpkin spice latte. Baptizing their children in it.
10. Thanksgiving is a dark horse for "Best Holiday." Let's be honest, Thanksgiving is one of those half-assed holidays that gets shoehorned in right before the "real" holiday season starts. But that's what makes it so perfect. You get two days off from work, you only have to show up and eat, and (unless you're hosting) it's pretty much worry-free. Also: pie. That makes for a pretty damn good holiday, in my opinion.
11. Nature is a Yankee Candle. I'll preface this with the fact that it's illegal to burn leaves, but your neighbors are probably going to do it anyway, and it smells amazing. Even if there's no law-breaking involved, though, the scents of autumn will fill your nostrils with delicious earthiness and cinnamon.
12. The pleasure of getting drunk off spiced apple cider. Cider is a pretty versatile drink. You can have it hot or cold, with or without alcohol. But who would have it without?
13. You can eat all the pie you want and no one can be a dick about it. If you're eating a slice of hot apple pie in the middle of summer, you are a crazy person. Fall means it's socially acceptable to enjoy a slice of pie with slowly melting cinnamon ice cream.
14. Sleeping rules more than usual. You can control just how warm you are without fiddling with your thermostat: Just add blankets as needed. If you get too hot in the middle of the night, just kick them off and bask in the cool fall breeze.
15. Thanks to fall TV premieres, you finally have something to look forward to after work every night. You can stop catching up on Netflix and using summer programing as a crutch. A-level fall programming is back with all your favorite shows. Who needs plans when you have primetime?
16. Exposed feet and gross summer fashions are a thing of the past. Mandals, fake tans, Crocs, and wardrobe malfunctions waiting to happen are no longer everywhere. You can thank the forced-conservatism of a cool-weather wardrobe for that.
Follow Frank on Twitter.
