If you take pop culture’s word for it, all it takes to ensure the female orgasm is a few passionate thrusts—no clitoral stimulation necessary. So easy, right? But IRL (*gestures wildly*), that’s not going to work for most people with vaginas!
“More than 80 percent of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone,” says Niki Davis-Fainbloom, a sex expert and coach. That’s probably because, according to sex positive therapist Nikki Coleman, PhD, most of what we’re taught about sex and pleasure is heteronormative and penis-centered, so folks with vaginas end up getting lost in the orgasm gap. Go ahead and do P-in-V (or strap-on-in-V) all you want—that can do it for some people, after all!—but don’t be afraid to explore other areas of pleasure. “I recommend taking your time with foreplay, including manual stimulation, oral sex, and using sex toys,” says Davis-Fainbloom.
To make sure you’re getting yours, Coleman suggests getting creative by involving all parts of the vulva, and indirectly, the clit. “Think about stimulating the entrance to the vagina, the top of the vaginal mound, and the lips,” she says. Don’t know what you like yet? Masturbate! “You cannot rely on your partner to know the best way to bring you to climax. Take time with self-pleasure to learn the types of sensations that bring you arousal,” says Coleman.
And don’t shy away from sex toys, either, recommends queer sex educator Sarah Riccio, co-founder of Delicto. “Sex toys are not competition for your partner. If holding a vibrating wand against your clit while your partner penetrates you is how you like to climax, do it!” she says.
Ultimately, orgasms are delightful. They can be a huge release and make you feel closer to your partner and to your own body. But while they really are as great as people say, the same pop cultural references that showed us they’re as easy to achieve as boom-boom-pow are the same ones that insist orgasms should always be the end goal. Allow us to debunk that right here, right now. Goal-oriented sex (aka: sex with a goal in mind, said goal being to have an orgasm) can come with loads of pressure to climax, and that stress is pretty much the best way to ensure you don’t. The best way to make it happen is to relax and lean into what feels good, and if one doesn’t come (heh), that doesn’t mean the sex was for nothing.
“Orgasms can be elusive for a number of reasons. If it doesn't happen—you and your partner still got to connect!” says Tara Struyk, co-founder of Kinkly.com.
Besides, the best part of sex is getting to try new ways to make it not just good, but great. Here are some positions we recommend that’ll help you do just that and stimulate all your hot spots in the process.
1. Grinding Missionary
Coleman says this is missionary done right. “Rather than the emphasis being on thrusting in and out, the movement is more sensual and intense," she says. "The penetrating partner goes as deep as possible while putting pressure/weight on the vaginal mound (top of the vulva) and focuses on undulating the hips.” This is more clit stim-y than usual missionary, but you can add more intensity with a vibrating penis ring.
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2. Cross Fit
To pull this one off, the receiving partner lays on their side with the bottom leg straight or slightly bent and their top leg bent at a 90-degree angle at the hip. "The penetrating partner enters straight-on to the vagina/perpendicular to the top bent leg,” says Coleman. “This allows for deep stimulation of the vagina and the receiving partner can easily access their clit with their fingers or a toy assist.”
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3. Kivinlingus
Make oral feel completely different with the Kivin method. “Instead of face-on oral, this is sideways oral. The vulva owner lies flat on their back while the giving partner lays perpendicular to their partner. This gives parallel access to the vulva/vagina, allowing for greater access to the full vulva, side-to-side clitoral access, and greater dexterity of mouth, lips, tongue to stimulation,” says Coleman. Add some flavor (literally) with an edible lube.
4. The Sit, Doggy
Instead of being on all fours like in regular doggy, the receiver kneels so they’re semi-sitting on their partner’s lap as they penetrate. “It’s great if you love stimulation of your internal hot spots or cervical stimulation, and it gives you more physical closeness as your back rests against your partner's chest. Plus, it allows your partner to nibble on your ear or neck and whisper dirty thoughts into your ear,” says Sarah Melancon, PhD, sociologist and clinical sexologist at Sex Toy Collective. “You or your partner can also touch your clitoris with your fingers or a vibrator.”
5. The Dog Toy
“Doggy style is good for a lot of reasons, including internal stimulation, if that’s your thing. But for us clit folks, it creates plenty of space to reach your clit with a hand or a favorite vibrator,” says Kayla Lords, a sex expert and writer for Women’s Health Interactive. “If your doggy style sex is fast-paced or rough, kinky fun, it may be more difficult to hold onto a larger toy. Finger vibrators, especially those with loops designed to fit around your finger, are a great option because they’re essentially an extension of your hand. So as you’re being pounded as hard as you like, you only have to keep your hand in position and not worry about also holding a large vibrator.”
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6. The Tense and Release
There's nothing like being so turned on you can't see straight. A good way to get there is through edging. Have your partner use their fingers, their mouth, toys—whatever turns you on the most to bring you just to the brink of orgasm, then stopping just before you finish. Repeat until you just can't take it anymore, ending in a mind-blowing O.
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7. The Power Shower
If shower sex isn't quite getting you there, pull that detachable shower head down and make it earn its keep. Direct the stream on or near your clit and feel the glory that is having sex with water.
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8. The Watch and Learn
If you can orgasm on your own but have trouble with another person, try taking matters into your own hands. Masturbate with a toy or your hand while your partner watches, or face each other while you're both touching yourselves. Hot, intimate, and you'll get exactly the kind of sensation you like.
9. The Face Time
Take the ultimate power stance. “Straddle and ride your partner's face,” suggests open relationships coach Ruby Bouie Johnson LCSW, LCDC. "As you sit on their face, pull your partner's head forward. This position lets you move your pelvis or your partner's tongue into the necessary position for pleasure.”
10. The Titillation and Restraint
If you're into it (and if you really trust your partner), Johnson suggests using a four-point restraint to let them tie you down to the bed and blindfold you, and use their "fingers and mouth to stimulate and tease your nipples, inner thigh, labia minora (around the clitoral hood), neck, and lips." The idea is to "keep you in suspense, anticipation, and on the brink of climax for an extended period of time, which creates an explosive orgasm when one allows or is ready for it to happen.”
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11. Accessible Doggie
Try a version where the receiver sits between the legs of a the penetrating partner, suggests Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, CSE, CSES, author of The Black Girls' Guide to Couple's Intimacy. The penis- or strap-on-owner is on their knees, so there's more comfort for all. You can also add a clitoral vibe to juice things up.
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12. The Peace Out
Sit in a chair and have your partner put two fingers on either side of your clitoris, scissoring their fingers together while gently licking or sucking the tip of your clit. “This allows for maximal stimulation to the clitoris, both the sides, and the head at the same time,” which can send you over the moon fast, explains Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a professor of sexology and relationship expert.
13. The Banana Split
Your partner thrusts into you from behind as you’re on your belly with your head down. Not only does this allow for deeper penetration, but you can have them knead or spank your butt for improved orgasm.
14. The Backward Swoon
Bouncing off your partner can create a feeling that some women find to be super intense (in a good way) and leaves the external part of your clit exposed and ready to be stroked with a finger or toy, adds Steinberg. Have your partner thrust into you while they kneel and grab your hips so your thighs rest on their lap. Meanwhile, you go to town on your clit with your favorite vibe for a nearly foolproof way to ensure you get yours too.
15. The Couch Spoon
Think: regular spoon sex, but deeper and hotter by moving the party to the couch and hooking your top leg over the top of the cushions. The extra space also allows you prime real estate to move your hands or your partner’s hands to your clitoris for maximum oomph. It also allows your bodies to be close and generate warmth and intimacy, says licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle, PsyD.
16. The Armchair Traveler
Another good couch position, the armchair traveler has you on your knees and bent over, holding onto the couch's arm while your partner enters you from behind. If you want to take control, you can also have your partner stay still while you thrust backward into them, using the couch arm for leverage while you thrust. This angle can allow for deep penetration and gives your partner the chance to hold a vibrator to your clitoris while you lean forward, adds Needle.
17. The Lap of Luxury
According to sexpert Layla Martin, author of Wild Woman in the Bedroom, being on top has loads of benefits.“You have more control over the speed, angle, and intensity, so it makes it easier to keep it at a rhythm that’s really doing it for you. Your vulva and clitoris are also very accessible, and the vast majority of women find intercourse much more pleasurable if they are also stroking or being stroked in this area.”
But for an upgrade on the classic, try sitting your partner down on a chair and climbing on top. There’s something super intimate about sitting on your partner’s lap and being able to be held during sex. And if you're a little shy about self-stimulation, you can always flip around, so you don't have to make eye contact. The best part is you can be totally hands-free as your partner stimulates you, really putting you over the edge.
18. The Supercharged Spread
According to Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibes, the clitoris and vulva contain nerve endings that are particularly responsive to vibration, so if hand stimulation isn’t quite enough to get to you there, that trusty vibrator ought to do the trick. A vibe can also help with any performance anxiety—it’s hard to think about literally anything else when you’ve got a turbo-charged sex machine between your legs (or two, depending on your partner). Your partner holds your ankles—pressing them close for a tighter-feeling fit as they penetrate you, while you hold a vibrator to your clitoris or nipples.
Jill Hamilton is a contributor for Cosmopolitan.com and writes the blog In Bed With Married Women.
