I Am Cait doesn't start with a montage of Caitlyn in fabulous outfits. It doesn't start with her Vanity Fair cover or hugs from friends or accolades from celebrities. Instead, it starts with Caitlyn, alone in her bedroom at 4:30 in the morning, no makeup on, worrying not about herself but about the fact that so many transgender people suffer alone, without support. She mentions the disproportionately high suicide and murder rates for trans people. She frets over whether she's projecting the right image, now that she's the de facto face of the global transgender community. And that's just the first 90 seconds of the show. So right from the start, this show isn't (all) pretty. It isn't (all) happy. It's I Am Cait, and it's real.
Just as important, it's really fucking fun to watch. We see Caitlyn bounce up and down with excitement and yell, "I love records!" when Kim tells her she's on track to beat President Obama's record for fastest accumulation of Twitter followers. We watch Kylie put teal extensions in Caitlyn's hair. ("Isn't this more fun than watching golf?" Caitlyn asks Kylie, and it's a pretty painful reminder of Caitlyn's life during Keeping Up With the Kardashians' early seasons, where Caitlyn was often grumpily watching television.) We listen to Caitlyn's easy banter with her hair and makeup team. We see Kim and Caitlyn plot a "Who Wore It Best?" feature that would pit Caitlyn against Kris.
We also get actual footage of Kanye West smiling and interacting with the family, which is, for a fervent watcher of Kardashian/Jenner programming, basically like spotting the yeti. Kanye sums up Caitlyn's overall journey by saying, "I think this is one of the strongest things that has happened in our existence as human beings that are so controlled by perception. 'Cause you couldn't have been up against more — like, your daughter's a supermodel. You're a celebrity ... And it was still, 'Fuck everybody, this is who I am.'" Caitlyn's mother and sisters seem less put off by the fact that he's just said "fuck" in front of them and more confused about why his shoelaces are deliberately untied. ("The laces," Kanye goes on to explain, "are sort of after the fact.")
Through it all, Caitlyn is happier and more confident than we've ever seen her — maybe it's just the high heels, but she seems taller too, and less scrunched down into a life and a body that never felt like hers. That happiness makes the difficult parts of the episode feel easier to watch; it's overwhelming to watch Caitlyn "meet" her mother and sisters for the first time, but Caitlyn's quiet confidence keeps those moments afloat. Even the tiniest decisions are fraught — there's a debate about whether Caitlyn should sign the birthday card for her mother "Bruce" — and the bigger questions are hard too. Caitlyn's mother, Esther, so clearly wants to be accepting, but it's a lot for anyone to take in, let alone an 88-year-old woman. She hugs Caitlyn as soon as she sees her, but later cries in the kitchen and asks the family educator how to reconcile being transgender with certain biblical passages. Finally, she says outright, "It's going to be so hard for me to think of you as she, and to say 'Caitlyn' when I want to speak with you."
What's so fascinating is that even though Caitlyn was so uncomfortable with emotion and hard discussions when she was living as Bruce and would avoid them at all costs, present-day Caitlyn stays right there on the couch with her mom. She agrees with Esther that it's a massive challenge and adjustment, asks what aspect of it has been hardest, and doesn't get angry or run off. By the end of the episode, Esther doesn't necessarily completely understand what Caitlyn's going through or what lies ahead, but she says, "I an more proud of him for the courage that he has shown. I loved him with all my heart, and I certainly love her with all my heart."
Even though they're heart-wrenching at times, Caitlyn's conversations with her family are balanced by Caitlyn's repeated assurances that she knows that comparatively, she has it easy in many ways. It's clear that she wants to use her privilege to share the stories of other transgender people, even while she cautions the only story she can truly tell is her own. She goes to visit the family of Kyler Prescott, a 14-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide, and while Kyler's story is moving and worthy of the platform I Am Cait has to offer, it feels a bit contrived when contrasted to the more organic, spontaneous moments from Caitlyn's own life. As Caitlyn finds her own voice as an advocate, I'd imagine moments like these will be woven into the show a little more naturally.
It'll take the show a little more time to fully find its feet. But after last night's episode, we know Caitlyn Jenner is absolutely worth waiting for.
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