It's all led up to this: Tonight, Kaitlyn will both choose a mate for the foreseeable future (although she will claim that it's forever) and then talk about it all. And with three hours (yes, three!) to fill for the finale, you know we're all going to be a wreck by the time this is over. 

So what happened before the final rose was handed out? Well, both Nick and Shawn met Kaitlyn's family and while Nick won everyone over (although Kaitlyn's mom was a little worried that he might be too arrogant and possessive), Shawn really brought it over the edge. Not only did Kaitlyn's sister (a die-hard Nick fan) decide that Shawn was better, but Ryan Gosling's unauthorized clone also brought both of Kaitlyn's parents together to ask for her hand. Which was classy. (Nick only asked Kaitlyn's dad.)

The final score is tied. Kaitlyn's mom believes that Nick is here for those mysterious "right reasons" everyone keeps talking about, but Kaitlyn's father and sister swear that she's a new person around Shawn. Everyone seems to think that Shawn's confession about him "coming for Kaitlyn" since he first saw her on TV is adorable rather than a huge red flag. Because love.

Final dates: Nick and Kaitlyn have an excellent time and love each other. Kaitlyn and Shawn are incredibly awkward around each other and it's clear to everyone in the audience and at home that Nick is going to win this one. That's why it's so heartbreaking when he doesn't. Being rejected on national television once sucks, but being rejected twice? On the same show? No wonder Nick grew a depression beard before the reunion? (Sorry about that abrupt transition, but I really needed you to know how betrayed I felt when this happened.)

The worst thing about Nick's rejection — which had me, surprisingly, yelling "No! No! No!" at the screen until my rabbit's frightened noises made me stop — is that he was so happy not to be rejected before the rose ceremony. He was certain he was going to win this and he was also certain that if Kaitlyn wasn't feeling it, she'd let him know early on and not before he got through his entire proposal. Instead, Kaitlyn takes it all in and then says, "I'm sorry," making Nick feel like the biggest laughingstock in the world, which, if we're being honest, he is. He came in late, he suffered a lot of pain from the other guys, he made it to the final two and even chose a ring (!!!), but all he got was an "everything I felt for you was real but my heart is with someone else."

The best thing about Nick's rejection is how real he was about the whole thing. While Kaitlyn tried to make him feel better (eye roll) about being rejected, he brushed her off and was all, "Nah, I'm going to feel my feelings. Peace!" Kaitlyn even tried to tell him that she did love him and his response was, "Well, if you were in love with me, we would be having a very different conversation."

"I don't think so," Kaitlyn says, which makes no goddamn sense and then Nick is gone forever, sitting in the back seat of a limo, feeling sick to his stomach and tossing the rings he got for Kaitlyn away. And … I get it. If Kaitlyn truly knew she was going to choose Shawn, she could have let Nick know way ahead of time, especially considering that both of them had been in the position Nick was in before. Oh well. Too bad he doesn't have enough charisma to be the Bachelor. Is Ian available though? I'd like to recap an episode where the women collectively burn down the mansion.

So that leaves us with Shawn, who is very attractive but also a jealous rageaholic. And turns out he's also Kaitlyn's one true love. That thing where their final date was so awkward? That's because Kaitlyn probably had already made her decision and couldn't tell him. "I'm the happiest man alive," Shawn crows as millions of angry Americans turn off their TVs. 

Immediately following the show, we're treated to "After the Rose," an hour-long reunion between Kaitlyn, Nick, and Shawn that answers a few important questions we all had this season. Here are just the most important facts you need to know so you can pretend you watched this and don't have to admit to anyone that you quietly fell asleep about three-fourths of the way into the finale.

  • How creepy is Shawn's picture thing? Very creepy! He didn't just take a picture of Kaitlyn and put it on his phone. No! He snapped a photo of Kaitlyn being rejected, put a heart around it, told himself he was coming for her, and then sent the picture out to all his friends because (I assume) you have to really make your intentions known if you're going to manifest love. Congratulations, Shawn! Maybe dump your copy of The Secret though; it's making you do strange things. 
  • Are Nick and Shawn sworn enemies for life? Nope. They're never going to be friends, but they both agree they acted like idiots on TV. Shawn is very aggressive about never having been jealous of Nick, but Nick is very chill about the whole thing. The only time it's clear he's upset is when he can't even look at Kaitlyn because it still hurts too much. 
  • Why didn't Kaitlyn let Nick go early? She wanted him to have a different experience than he did last time. Which is kind of thoughtful, I guess, except she seems to be forgetting that rejection sucks balls and also that no one ever really thinks, Hmmm, how can I have my heart broken in a new and exciting way that I've never experienced before? Does Kaitlyn think that was a mistake now? Yes. Is Nick's heart still broken? Also yes. Would it have been less broken if he'd been let go early? Probably not, but it would have been less humiliating.
  • What are Kaitlyn and Shawn excited to do now? Go to Starbucks! And Dunkin' Donuts! And be a real couple! "It's like Christmas," Kaitlyn says. Shawn is excited to finally defend his woman from all the keyboard warriors who are calling her names. 
  • Backstage, Nick throws up violently into a plastic bucket provided to him by a PA.

And then Shawn and Kaitlyn are crushed by the audience, who are inexplicably allowed to both touch and communicate with the happy couple. As the camera pans out, Shawn and Kaitlyn look both delighted and terrified by what's coming for them. Best of luck to you two crazy kids!

Follow Mark on Twitter.